I'm coming out of the closet!

I have felt the need to explain myself. As I wander around looking at blogs, I'm overcome with embarrassment. Everyone has kids! EVERYONE! I feel like an imposter. Truth is I have no kids though I do make comments on people's blogs about kids hoping no one notices that I have an opinion but not the experience.  Then I think I went too far.

I heard about Mamavation on the UBP11 closing show thingy. Bookieboo was on it. She's the leader of this Mamavation thingy. She seems like so much fun to hang out with. And her name is Bookieboo! What a great name! She's one of those people with only one name. I could never get away with that. And the word Mamavation--that's fun too! This Bookieboo woman has her own lingo. She's making up words! Love it! Have to be a part of it!

So I wandered over to the website. I wasn't exactly ready to commit to any changes in my eating or fitness, but I might later. Who doesn't want to be in better shape? I love reading about fitness and nutrition and sometimes I even act on what I read. When I got to the site, I quickly noticed that Mamavation has a Sistahood! OMG I've always want to be part of a "sistahood." It's so fun sounding--instead of "er" there's an "a"! I want to be cool like that! Do this fun words ever stop? I hope not. 

So I find where to sign up and there it is--the question I try to hide from: "What category best represents your children?" Children? Who said anything about children? Ohhhhhh MAMAvation. I conveniently blocked the mama part in my mind. Ut oh. So I look at the choices: pregnant, newborn, bunch of other age groups, and at the very end "None but would like some day." Well, I'll be. I don't fit in anywhere. What to do. Should I make up a fake kid? Well that seems wrong. So I checked the box that said "none but. . " and have felt guilty since then. I lied. Yes, I admit it.  I've waiting for the email "You have falsified information. You are permanently banned from Mamavation! No Sistahood for you! Signed, Bookieboo."

Shortly after I committed fraud, I stumbled across a post on Blogher by Schmutzie called Why I Made A Kid-Free List On Twitter (And What Happened When I Did). I was so relieved someone else brought the topic up! I read through the comments to Schmutzie's post and felt relieved because there are others like me--people who don't want children. Whenever I tell someone I don't want to have kids, I feel bad. It just sounds so harsh, doesn't it? Like I'm some kind of self-centered monster who doesn't believe in nuturing anything. Maybe I don't need to feel guilty that I don't have kids. I've been a huge amount of thought into having kids. A lot over the years. I've known very few people without kids. 

I don't remember wanting to be a mom growing up. I didn't do the whole dolly thing though I did have Barbies. My sister had one of those Barbie high rises. You know, the one with 3 floors and an elevator. Well, me and the neighbor were part of a terrible malfunctioning of the elevator. Unfortunately one of the Barbies somehow got in the elevator shaft. Well we put her there. And when the elevator came down, she lost a leg. So, yeah, maybe I'm not nurturing. I was the youngest in my family. I don't remember being around many babies until my two sisters had kids back to back when I was about 15. It was then that I started to realize how incredibly hard it is to raise kids.


cdrdash on April 29, 2011 at 11:14 PM said...

Gosh. I never thought about coming out of the closet as someone who doesn't want kids. I grew into not having kids rather than thought of myself as someone who doesn't want kids. But now I don't want kids. So I guess I just joined you in coming out :-)

It is amazing the number of ways one can be different from the majority. I wonder sometimes if everyone has something about them that they can "come out" about.

Lexie Lane on April 30, 2011 at 1:42 AM said...

Thank you for your honesty. This is really big of you to write this. Please come and visit our site. Although it IS a site for mothers and motherhood, it's also a site to meet and greet new people.

Hope to see you there!
Lexie Lane

Dr. Kevin Zanelotti on May 2, 2011 at 7:06 PM said...

You are perfect the way you are!!!!

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