Bah! Migraines, migraines, migraines!

I've been feeling like holy hell for the last few months. I've had a migraine almost every day for too long. I've only had 2 days this month where I didn't have a migraine. There were a few days where I didn't have a migraine most of the day though. It's not all doom and gloom. I've also been able to get some relief from my abortive med (DHE) at lower doses. Unfortunately, I have been unable to function as if I even try to do the dishes for 10 min, the migraine often breaks back through.

It feels like there is a curtain or divider in my head. Many actions such as doing the dishes or cleaning cause the migraine break through. At healthier times, it's been behind a wall. In the last year, I've gone through a week without any migraines. Then it's as if the migraines have moved out.

I'm worn out and tired. Duh, right? lol. I havent' been able to find a local doc to do iv therapy with me. So, my migraine doc put me on a medicine that's related to DHE. I take it three times a day. It's supposed to get rid of and prevent the migraines. I started taking it yesterday, and I feel like unadulterated holy hell. It usually takes me a week or so to adjust to meds. I try to wait out the adjustment when I experience side effects. I've got a crazy headache not like my normal headaches. It's a stabbing pain through the middle of my head perpendicular to my body. I feel fatigued and just generally cruddy. I know it'll be ok. But in the mean time, I feel quite awful. Unfortunately the doc will increase the dose in a few weeks if I respond to it well. Thus, I realize I may need to go through other adjustment periods when the dose changes.

I really hope this works. Please, please, please, let it work.

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Would like some cheese with that whine?

Yes, I've been a whiney butt. Sulking around the house like the defeated sissy pants I am. I have been beaten by the migraines--at least temporarily. I couldn't sleep last night because my nervous system was in overdrive. HYPER! And preoccupied with the oddest things. Last night I was obsessed with the deck. Yes, the deck. I tried to read--and read I did for about 4 hours, but every few pages, I'd find myself thinking, "We really need to finish the deck. It will rot out. It will cost a bloody fortune to get fixed. Why can't hubby and I every get things done?" Huh?  Who cares???? It's a deck! So it rots and falls apart. Not worth obsessing over. But this is what my mind does sometimes when I'm sick. Well, I'm over it. Over it!

As you might have guessed, I also have a migraine this morning. And surprise, I'm hyper! If only I could harness this energy for something other than having migraines. I surely would be able to refinish the deck, caulk the tub, get the car fixed, and seal the basement. But alas, on days I don't have a migraine, I'm more calm, and if I start to get too excited---whether it be about the tub or me and the hubby acting like idiots, guess what? Yes! You're finally getting it--I get a migraine!

If only I could be like Pimmy, and harness my energy to defeat rolls of paper towels or toys on strings. We all have dreams I guess.

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Tally of migraines and med bills

It's time again to compile the total number of migraines I've had  and the cost of my medical bills so far this year!                      

Number of days I've had migraines so far this year: 122            

Number of days I've had migraines in the last 12 months: 162                      

Out of pocket medical expenses from January 2011 through July 2011:

$1,632  Health insurance premiums

$2,250  Medication co-pays

     706   Doctor visits

       56   Dentist

$4,644  Total

In a previous post,  my medical bill total this year, I explained the tally in further detail

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98 migraines and a boatload of medical bills

It's time again to compile the total number of migraines I've had  and the cost of my medical bills so far this year!                      

Number of days I've had migraines 1/1/11-5/31/11: 98                

Number of days I've had migraines from 6/10-5/11: 154                      

Out of pocket medical expenses from 1/1/11-6/30/11
$1,427   Health insurance premiums

$1,882  Medication co-pays

     656   Doctor visits

       56   Dentist

$4,021  Total

In a previous post,  my medical bill total this year, I explained the tally in further detail

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Back on the low carb wagon

Last summer I participated in intensive outpatient treatment at the Headache Care Center. For 10 days, each day, I met with the doctor, received IV therapy, physical therapy, individual counseling including biofeedback training, and some group counseling. The doctor recommended I switch to a low carbohydrate diet. He stated that a very low carb diet (aka a ketogenic diet) has been used for years with individuals with epilepsy whose seizures are not controlled by medication. He stated that similar to a person with seizures, a migraineur has a sensitive nervous system that reacts more powerfully and stays activated for a longer period of time than a person with a normal nervous system. He stated that a low carb diet may help calm the nervous system down. He also recommended this diet because I had signs of insulin resistance (I had high triglycerides and inflammation). These and some other factors also put me at risk for diabetes and heart disease.

At the time, I begrudgingly followed the low carb diet. I ate an average of 20-40 g of net carbs for about 6 months. I had more energy and felt great. My triglycerides dropped 70 points. I fell off the wagon during my birthday (in November) and the holiday season. I didn't get back on the diet until now. Having almost daily migraines, having to drop out of school again, applying for disability, and coming to terms with the fact that I may never be able to work again, I turned to food for comfort. Potatoes, ice cream, fruits, bread, et cetera all helped me feel better emotionally.

On Monday I got back on the low carb diet. I'm craving bread, chocolate, and fruit like nobody's business. One common misconception of Atkins/low carb diets is that they're high protein and filled with fatty meats. It couldn't be farther from the truth. The Atkins literature states that 12-15 of net carbs should be from a list of specific low carb vegetables. This works out to be about 5 cups of salad greens or other veggies a day.

So far, I feel okay but I'm still craving carbs something awful. Ben and Jerry's calls my name. Trying to stick with it!!

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Depression: running from the black dog

I first heard "black dog" as a reference to depression several years ago from an online friend from Australia. He used to say he was being "chased by the black dog" when he fell into depression. I find it to be a good description of how I experience depression. I feel like I'm trying to stay ahead of depression--trying to figure out when and how it will strike next and trying to prevent that from happening. I barely feel like I'm keeping ahead of it. If I'm caught, it feels like I've been attacked and have fallen. It takes great effort and meds to get back up and am able to get ahead of it.

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Highway to Hell

I have an appointment to see the migraine specialist tomorrow. Inevitably, the night before I go, the song "Highway to Hell" pops in my head. It really seems like the perfect anthem for these trips.

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Migraine journal

I have to admit I get lazy about doing a journal about my migraine attacks. For several months, I've tracked the following info:

1. What days I have experienced a regular migraine attack which I define as:
• The migraine occurs shortly after I wake up
• My standard meds (DHE shot  + Zofran) are effective.
• My pain only rarely goes over 8 on a 1-10 scale with 10 being unbearable constant *!&? pain.
2. Days I have a migraine attack that do not occur in the morning.
• These are exactly like #1 except they occur after I have exercised, been stressed, left the house, etc.
3. Days I have had a "monster migraine." 
• These are the attacks that have no responded to my standard abortive meds (DHE shot and Zofran) so I took Stadol and Phenergan in addition to my standard meds. 
• Pain is 9-10 most if not all of the day.
• These days I take lots of baths since that is one of the only things that will relax me. 
• I also spend a large amount of time: laying very still in the dark with ear plugs, focusing on my breath, and reciting either Equanimity or Metta phrases. 

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Tally of medical bills and # of migraines

In one of my previous posts, My medical bill total this year, I explained what my tally in further detail.


I forgot at the beginning of June to update it! 


Out of pocket medical expenses from 1/1/11-5/31/11

$1,189   Health insurance premiums

  1,401  Medication co-pays

     606   Doctor visits

       56   Dentist

$2,875   Total


Number of days I've had migraines 1/1/11-5/31/11: 74
Number of days I've had migraines from 6/10-5/11: 146

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Giving up before I even got started

For the second time in my life, I feel like I'm giving up on a career before I even got started. Yet I felt passion about both--I loved reading and writing about the philosopher I studied, Ludwig Wittgenstein. I also loved to read about counseling, the practice, treatments, and theory. And I loved working with people diagnosed with a serious mental illness. With both, I left the field largely unwillingly. Both involved emotionally felt losses that I defined as confirming my greatest fears about myself.

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Huh? Didn't you only have one leg last week?

I am very excited I was awarded disability a month after I applied, but I also have mixed feelings about it. It feels so wrong to be disabled at 39. I am having a hard time accepting it. I realize I'm not special and lots of people become disabled at young ages including children. I understand fairness does not come into play in illness, but I am still pissed off.

My mother in law left yesterday after visiting us for several days. I had migraines almost every day she was here. I wanted to watch tv and movies with her or watch the cats go ballistic over squirrels in the bird feeder outside our living room even though these activities increased the severity of my migraine attacks. It took me a few days to realize the activities were doing so.

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My medical bill total this year

Last year the cost my husband and I paid out of pocket for my medical bills was over $10,000. I have health insurance, and about $2,000 of the $10,000 were health insurance premiums.

This year has so far been cheaper because I have been quite sick and have been unable to get to the doctor. My hubby teaches and now that he is off for the summer, I'll be able to catch up on doctor visits. Another reason my medical bills are lower so far this year is that my migraine specialist is no longer in my insurance network so I have been spending a lot of time talking to different people trying to figure out how I can see him and how much it costs.

I've decided to share the tally of my medical bills thus far this year.

$1,023   Health insurance premiums
  1,191   Medication co-pays
     606   Doctor visits
       56   Dentist
$2,875   Total

Migraines so far this year as of 5/1:  50

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Transparent Thursday 2 (note: I'm grouchy as all get out)

1. I have a very hard time understanding what people with accents are saying. As a consequence, I rarely watch foreign movies or anything narrated by any British people.

2. I'm kind of over the whole natural thing. Especially when people say "I wouldn't use anything that's not natural on my body." Just because it's natural doesn't mean its good. Poop is natural but I don't want to slather it all over my body.

3. People being complacent by not contacting political figures about their opinions about issues. It's very simple to contact politicians in this day and age. Lots of websites that will even write form letters or petitions you just add your name to. We live in a democracy and it only works if people vote and communicate their beliefs to politicians.

4. When I tell people how much medicine I take to stay semi-functioning with my myriad of illnesses, sometime people respond "I don't like to take medicine." Duh. I don't take medicine cause I like it. I take it because if I don't, I get depressed, my blood pressure drops so I faint, and I get even more migraines.

5. When I tell people how much medicine I take to stay semi-functioning and someone says, "You're too young to take that much." Unfortunately my chronic illinesses don't discriminate based on age. Kids and old people get them. I've had migraines and neurogenic orthostatic hypotension since I was 11.

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Toilet bowl spiral of yuck

With all these stupid migraines I've been getting, I've found my mind frequently gets into a yuck spiral. (yuck=Why is this happening to me? Seriously, another migraine? Is this really a migraine? Should I have taken medicine? Oh my goodness, it's costing a fortune. I would so die if I had to live in a refrigerator box. I must be close to a world records with the number I'm having. It would be fun to be in the Guiness World Records book. I sure did love to get them when the book bus came to school. Is my life always going to be like this? This is awful! How does my hubby put up with me. I'm losing my mind! Why is this happening to me?) Around and around I go. I pick up speed and my mind races through the spiral over and over and over and over. 

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New series: You might be a migraneur if. . .

It's amazing what becomes difficult after I've had almost daily migraines for a few months. I cannot help but laugh at myself sometimes, so I decided to start a series.

Jill Greenberg's "Monkey with Headache"

You might be a migraineur if.. . .
1. Hanging up pants blows your mind
2. Hanging up pants leaves you winded
3. You tell someone you need to find the last 3 weeks of your tax returns
4. You're pretty sure you feel pain in your toenails when you have migraines.

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Day 3 of a migraine

I'm on day 3 of a migraine. Not a bad one by any means. Pain has been intermittent. I have felt fatigued and nauseous, but I've been able to do mindless things on the computer most of the day. I have been hella confused though. When I went to meditate today, I tried to set the alarm on my phone after 30 min. It's was 1:56 pm and it took me a good 3 or 4 tries to figure out what time the alarm should go off. I set it over and over. It really blew my mind! lol.

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Devastated

OK I've been trying to figure out how to write about all that I've lost in the last weeks. Trying not to sound desperate and worthy of pity though the words I think describes me most are desperate and pitiful. It's not that I don't have so many blessings in my life. I have a wonderful husband who is more than I fear I deserve. I aspire to be worthy of him. At the same time, I tell myself that I am worthy and try to sit with the guilt. Not even wanting to understand why I feel guilty. Bleck. I have a supportive family, a few wonderful friends, and my wonderful kitties. But damnit, I feel awful sometimes. Devastated and desperate. Grasping onto anything that might mean life if worth living. I know I'm not supposed to feel this way--at the same time knowing there is no way I'm supposed to feel. See the problem? lol.

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"Think Positive"

In the first class I took towards a Master of Arts in Professional Counseling, the teacher spoke to us about how counselors should not give advice to clients because, amongst other reasons, it is not helpful. This was a statement that has been repeated many times during my education. Instead a counselor should attempt to see the world through the client’s eyes and use empathy to convey understanding. In giving advice, the counselor would be leading the client to think that the counselor is an expert who knows how to solve the client’s problems better than he does. Instead the client should be seen as someone who is an expert on his life who can solve his own problems with assistance. The counselor may help the client explore other options and possible consequences, but the client holds the ability and responsibility in making his own decisions.

Having chronic illness has given me many lessons concerning how it feels to be given advice. When I tell people I have frequent migraine attacks that prevent me from working, many people give well meaning advice about methods I might use to stop the migraine attacks. Many include possible treatments, supplements, et cetera. I appreciate these sorts of advice giving because although my doctors and I have tried a wide variety of treatments, I know there are many I do not know of that I can try. I am willing to try most anything.

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History

In February 2007, I began experiencing migraine attacks twice a month. Since that time the frequency has increased up to thirteen to fifteen a month. Since February 2007, I have been under the care of various migraine specialists. I have tried several preventative medications, attended physical rehabilitation twice, been trained in two forms of biofeedback, have begun daily relaxation and meditation practice, changed my diet, and entered an intensive outpatient program for migraine patients for 10 days at a clinic 4 hours away from my home. I have only begun to see improvement in my symptoms since June when I attended the multidisciplinary intensive outpatient program, though I still had thirteen migraines in August.

My ability to function has decreased since I began experiencing the migraine attacks. Between February 2007 and February 2008, I left two jobs because the attacks prevented me from completing job duties and, many times, going to work at all. After each job, I assumed that by leaving the emotional and environmentally stressful situations, the migraine attacks would decrease in frequency. (By environmental stress I refer factors that can trigger migraines such as light, noise, and smells.) The frequency of attacks did not decrease when I left these jobs.

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Finding Hope

Went on an unplanned trip to Migraineland yesterday. Over the last three and a half years, I have experienced an increase of migraine attacks from a few a month to fifteen a month. Few interventions have resulted in a reduction in the number and intensity of the migraine attacks I experience. For the last six months, I have had migraine attacks three to four times a week. Thankfully most respond to medication and allow me to bypass the intense pain and leave me to sit with the other neurological symptoms of migraine attacks such as fatigue, confusion, clumsiness, noise sensitivity, and light sensitivity.  About once every week or two, I have a migraine attack that does not respond to the medication and slowly the pain and nausea ramps up to a level 10 on a scale of 1-10.  Unfortunately yesterday the migraine attack followed the latter path.

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