Migraine journal

I have to admit I get lazy about doing a journal about my migraine attacks. For several months, I've tracked the following info:

1. What days I have experienced a regular migraine attack which I define as:
• The migraine occurs shortly after I wake up
• My standard meds (DHE shot  + Zofran) are effective.
• My pain only rarely goes over 8 on a 1-10 scale with 10 being unbearable constant *!&? pain.
2. Days I have a migraine attack that do not occur in the morning.
• These are exactly like #1 except they occur after I have exercised, been stressed, left the house, etc.
3. Days I have had a "monster migraine." 
• These are the attacks that have no responded to my standard abortive meds (DHE shot and Zofran) so I took Stadol and Phenergan in addition to my standard meds. 
• Pain is 9-10 most if not all of the day.
• These days I take lots of baths since that is one of the only things that will relax me. 
• I also spend a large amount of time: laying very still in the dark with ear plugs, focusing on my breath, and reciting either Equanimity or Metta phrases. 

Continue >>>

Toilet bowl spiral of yuck

With all these stupid migraines I've been getting, I've found my mind frequently gets into a yuck spiral. (yuck=Why is this happening to me? Seriously, another migraine? Is this really a migraine? Should I have taken medicine? Oh my goodness, it's costing a fortune. I would so die if I had to live in a refrigerator box. I must be close to a world records with the number I'm having. It would be fun to be in the Guiness World Records book. I sure did love to get them when the book bus came to school. Is my life always going to be like this? This is awful! How does my hubby put up with me. I'm losing my mind! Why is this happening to me?) Around and around I go. I pick up speed and my mind races through the spiral over and over and over and over. 

Continue >>>

I'm getting a pen pal who is jail. Yes, I know this sounds like a big bowl of wrong.

At the beginning of the year I followed along with an online spiritual program. This is an annual gathering of people from different wisdom traditions such a Jewish, Christian, Buddhist, etc. (I'm Buddhist.) There are different leaders on the site and people sign up to listen to talks each day from one or more of the leaders. After listening to the talks, people do spiritual practice for about half an hour. When I signed up for the program, I received a newsletter that included lots of info and a little blurb about a Pen Pal program for persons in jail. I know, it already sounds like a bad idea, but wait!

Continue >>>

Letting go

One of the many things I do most days to keep my head above water is listen to a dharma talk, a talk given by a Buddhist teacher. As I listened to one given by Annie Nugent this morning, I realized how much energy I have been expending the last 3 and a half years trying to keep myself from falling apart at the seams. Of course, I have been aware of the constant fight, but the totality of the effort struck me this morning.

I fight the pull of giving up and losing hope that I will get better. I fight to remain positive though few of the interventions my doctors and I have tried have resulted in any relief. I am exhausted mentally, and I am so tired of trying to get better. I am tired of being isolated because I cannot leave the house more than once or twice a week. The activity, noise, light, and smells that accompany leaving the house frequently trigger a migraine attack. I realize that it is not the case that the migraine attacks have only had negative effects on my life. Being unable to function normally has given me the time to read so many books that will help me as a counselor, but I am fed up with trying to feel positive. I am sick of trying to muster up excitement when I have small improvements such as thirteen instead of fifteen migraines a month.

Continue >>>