For the second time in my life, I feel like I'm giving up on a career before I even got started. Yet I felt passion about both--I loved reading and writing about the philosopher I studied, Ludwig Wittgenstein. I also loved to read about counseling, the practice, treatments, and theory. And I loved working with people diagnosed with a serious mental illness. With both, I left the field largely unwillingly. Both involved emotionally felt losses that I defined as confirming my greatest fears about myself.
I am very excited I was awarded disability a month after I applied, but I also have mixed feelings about it. It feels so wrong to be disabled at 39. I am having a hard time accepting it. I realize I'm not special and lots of people become disabled at young ages including children. I understand fairness does not come into play in illness, but I am still pissed off.
My mother in law left yesterday after visiting us for several days. I had migraines almost every day she was here. I wanted to watch tv and movies with her or watch the cats go ballistic over squirrels in the bird feeder outside our living room even though these activities increased the severity of my migraine attacks. It took me a few days to realize the activities were doing so.
Sorry I haven't been posting. I've been feeling so ill with the migraines. I'm worn out! I got great news though! I was approved for disability! Woot! At least I don't have to worry about money now. I'll be back to posting after I start feeling some better!
A few years ago, my husband got me a CD for Christmas called -- oh hell I don't know what it was called, but it was all music about butts. There was this song about donkey butt (eww), "Rump Shaker," of course there was "I Like Big Butts," and "Big Bottom Girls." I was just trying to figure out what it was called and when I typed in "butt music" in Amazon, all this Bach came up. Dumbfounded, I told my hubby about this odd result. He somehow knew the conductor for all these Bach albums was a guy named Butt. How does he know these things? He's so weird. Anywho, I love music about butts! They are perfect comic relief for lots of occasions: on my way to take a final exam, feeling sick, being grouchy as all get out, etc.
I think I also like butt music because I have butt envy. I have a pancake butt. It's a curse I inherited from my Dad. I never understood why my Dad has chosen to wear suspenders instead of belts. And I wish I never did understand. The reason became clear as I grew up and my butt refused to grow at all. Wearing a belt becomes pointless if I am trying to keep my pants up. Having no butt, the belt offers no help. Hence, I believe my Dad wears suspenders to keep his pants up. I've never actually confirmed this with my Dad. I might want "I Like Big Butts" and "Big Bottom Girls" played at my funeral, but talking to my dad about his legacy of no-butt-ness would be awkward.
Martin Luther King, Jr. stated, "Man's inhumanity to man is not only perpetrated by the vitriolic actions of those who are bad, it also perpetrated by the vitiating inaction of those who are good."
It has been about six months since I first learned of the atrocities occuring in Congo. After reading some non-fiction books about the genocide in Rwanda, I stumbled across Lisa Shannon's A Thousand Sisters: My Journey to the World's Worst Place to be a Woman. I learned that many of the perpetrators of the genocide in Rwanda moved to the Congo and have been committing atrocities there. According to a New York Times article published yesterday, "New Study Suggests Higher Incidence of Rape in Congo", over 400,000 Congo women were raped in a year. For the last 15 years, multiple militias and even the government troops are accused of using rape as a weapon of war and conflict. Women who live there are in constant danger of being attacked and can do little to make their lives safer. Victims of the violence also include children.
Last year the cost my husband and I paid out of pocket for my medical bills was over $10,000. I have health insurance, and about $2,000 of the $10,000 were health insurance premiums.
This year has so far been cheaper because I have been quite sick and have been unable to get to the doctor. My hubby teaches and now that he is off for the summer, I'll be able to catch up on doctor visits. Another reason my medical bills are lower so far this year is that my migraine specialist is no longer in my insurance network so I have been spending a lot of time talking to different people trying to figure out how I can see him and how much it costs.
I've decided to share the tally of my medical bills thus far this year.
$1,023 Health insurance premiums
1,191 Medication co-pays
606 Doctor visits 56 Dentist
$2,875 Total
1. I have a very hard time understanding what people with accents are saying. As a consequence, I rarely watch foreign movies or anything narrated by any British people.
2. I'm kind of over the whole natural thing. Especially when people say "I wouldn't use anything that's not natural on my body." Just because it's natural doesn't mean its good. Poop is natural but I don't want to slather it all over my body.
3. People being complacent by not contacting political figures about their opinions about issues. It's very simple to contact politicians in this day and age. Lots of websites that will even write form letters or petitions you just add your name to. We live in a democracy and it only works if people vote and communicate their beliefs to politicians.
4. When I tell people how much medicine I take to stay semi-functioning with my myriad of illnesses, sometime people respond "I don't like to take medicine." Duh. I don't take medicine cause I like it. I take it because if I don't, I get depressed, my blood pressure drops so I faint, and I get even more migraines.
5. When I tell people how much medicine I take to stay semi-functioning and someone says, "You're too young to take that much." Unfortunately my chronic illinesses don't discriminate based on age. Kids and old people get them. I've had migraines and neurogenic orthostatic hypotension since I was 11.
Last week I wrote about the human cost of inaction. Millions of women have been raped brutalized in Congo. They continue to be brutalized without international intervention. Many require surgery to repair the injuries incurred because of the rapes. Please consider joining in by adding your voice to the cause. It is easy to join in. You don't even have to get off your chair! Currently on Facebook, there is a virtual march on Washington requesting that a Special Envoy envoy be sent to Congo to begin diplomatic measures to stop the violence. The women in Congo need our support.
Our oldest kitty, Pandora, is 17 now and has a wide assortment of medical problems. She's taken to whizzing all over the place in one of the rooms in our basement. Thank goodness the room has concrete flooring so it's easy to clean. My hubby has been on mop duty to clean it up. Earlier this week I took her to the vet to make sure nothing more is wrong. The vet called yesterday with the results. Her thyroid numbers are a little high and her kidney disease is a little worse. The vet wanted me to start giving her fluids under her skin for her kidneys so she won't get dehydrated. She also changed Pandy's meds up a little.
My husband and I are not sure whether we made Clap, Slap and Run up or if we saw it on a video. We do agree what it refers to--an ape running up to another ape, clapping, slapping the other ape, then running off! It's something my husband and I do from time to time. It's pure silliness which is pretty descriptive of our life together.
About me
I am a loving wife, and a mother to two kitties. I have struggled with chronic migraines for the last four years. I also have Dysautonomia. I was recently approved for disability. I spend much of my time looking for ways to save what little money we have. Oh and me and my hubby love sock monkeys.
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