Happy Mothers Day weekend to all the moms out there!

I had written a post last week and then was going to post the second part today about why I chose not to have kids without considering the timing. How dumb can I be? Mother's Day weekend? I guess that was why it was on my mind! Earlier, one of the mom blogs I follow had a post today about her struggles to conceive. She has also had miscarriages. Her posts about her struggle have broken my heart.

I'm assuming we all have had friends who have struggled to conceive. Women who wanted to be moms so badly and checked ovulation, ate right, and did all they could to conceive and were crushed when they had their period each month. And where to begin with miscarriages. I do not understand why our culture has not encouraged families to have funerals and burials when they have miscarriages. It's not "just a miscarriage" as some say. It's the loss of a child. Many times names have been picked out, the families make plans for their child--nursery patterns, imagining what the baby's favorite color might be,  whether he or she will like Dora, what kind of job they might want, and imagining the first day of Kindergarten.

I do not want my previous post about my not wishing to have children to be taken as me taking parenting as lightly. Or that I have just brushed parenthood aside as an option because I don't care for children and am this selfish jerk. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I am in awe of parents. I have no illusion that raising a child is a straightforward or easy thing to do. I am in awe that people are able to raise such amazing kids. Parents teach their children how to be a good people. Children's values, beliefs, and behavior are, in part, shaped by their parents. Of course, there are a myriad of other influences on children, but parents, if they are still in the family, are a consistent influence throughout their children's lives. That is monumental. One of the primary reasons I don't have kids it because the responsibility paralyzes me with fear. I've made jokes over the years that I might adopt an older kid so that if s/he has problems, I can share the responsibility with past caretakers rather than feeling the mountain of responsibility on my own shoulders. I say it as a joke but it is how I truly feel. There is no greater job than being a parent. It's the job of all jobs.

And in the end, I don't know the full reason why I've never wanted to have kids. I've never dreamed of being a mom, though I have questioned my choice not to have kids for at least 15 years. I've tried to make myself want to. And I've been afraid that since I didn't want to be a parent that it might mean I wouldn't be good at it. I couldn't bare ending up being a bad mom. To all the moms out there, I really do salute you. I appreciate you. I love reading mom blogs and commenting. I just love your stories and your struggles. And I'm sorry I'm not part of your group. As I've said, I'm not exactly sure why I'm not, but I'm not. Have an amazing Mother's Day weekend. And to anyone who is struggling to conceive, I hope you are able to become parents!


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